Relationships, I’ve had a few. Never particularly long term or overly committed but I’ve had them in one form or another.
I’d say if I could have hopped into a time machine just before I’d leapt into a new relationship, and saw the end before it even started, I’d probably not have dived blindly in the first place! But then I suppose we’d not do anything if we could see into the future, where would the fun be in that?
Except I did have a time machine, each and every time, and it was right inside me the whole time!
It’s called my gut instinct.
Honestly each time I have started to see a new guy, after the 2nd or third date there was something not quite right. Or something amiss that I could not quite put my finger on, but I definitely knew it was there.
The thing is I have never given my gut instinct permission to speak up. I have always merrily carried on, not giving a damn that it was clearly screaming at me. That again, this new relationship was not healthy! I’d even be as bold to state that the more someone rejected me, the more I would cling hoping to change their mind or prove to them how loveable I really was.
So when things went southwards, I predictably found it to be all their fault , that they were the one’s doing me wrong and the ones who kept letting me down. I never even considered that perhaps I was the one who chose them and continued to choose them when it was as plain as the nose on my face that I was simply letting myself down.
It’s only now that I realise that each person who came into my life, good or bad, has been a lesson that I have allowed into my life experience. How I have dealt with them and what I have learnt is another matter altogether and to be completely frank, the pieces are only now starting to come together.
Compare it to a restaurant. If you go to the same restaurant and order a nice meal and find that it tastes bloody awful, would you order it next time? Or would you send it back and ask for your money back?
I, it seemed always kept going back for more, almost blinded by how good it sounded or smelled that the taste no longer mattered as long as it filled me up.
That is where I was going wrong. I’d rather deal with the hurt than deal with the pain of saying goodbye and being the first one to do it, to admit it to myself that I’d ordered the same meal again at whatever cost!
Until now that is.
I am learning to trust myself. I go within for a few moments and ask myself, ‘is this a new lesson?’ and I listen. I listen to my inner voice and take note. I note what someone does instead of what they say, because this is truly the biggest clue to what lies ahead. I no longer wish for what they can be, I now look at want they can’t be – to me anyway. And then I say goodbye.
Oh don’t get me wrong, it’s not as easy as it sounds and I do struggle at times with my fear. Fear of being alone and a spinster at nearly 40. But that’s just it, it’s just fear talking. I know deep down I’d rather be alone without someone than alone with someone.
So who or what do you need to say goodbye to today?